Being Negative about Positivity
6 reasons why my positivity bucket might not be half full in Tokyo
So here is the thing…naturally, I run a little sunshiny. My default mode is happy. I wake up generally in a good mood.
I am also super extroverted - as I get my energy from my surroundings and lately, I have been having a hard time filling my positivity bucket. Here’s six reasons why:
1. Oh, Japan
Now don’t get me wrong, I looove Tokyo. It is an amazingly cool city. But what I love most about it, is also what I struggle with the most. Kinda how the thing you loved most about your partner, is now what drives you the most nuts. The energy in Japan is so peaceful and orderly. It’s so quiet and calm. But I miss CHAOS. I miss loud laughter. I miss sloppy food. I miss eye contact and overflowing energy. I can find the coolest spaces and places that are an Instagramers dream come true, but once there, everything is just so controlled. Subconsciously, I am spending more time at home with loud music on, cause I want the volume turned up on it all.
2. More Time Alone
In the same breath, after school drop off (which I love as a bucket filler), it’s just me again. I spend so much more time alone in this expat life, then I did when I was working. I get recharged from being with others, not as a party of one. Even when I need to get things done, I would much rather do it with others by my side. Need to plan a trip? Let’s open our laptops together. Have something to pick up? Let’s make a day out of it. My husband always teases me, as when I get home from a girls night I have a buzz, not from alcohol, but from being with friends.
3. Less Noise
When you don’t speak the language and can’t read the characters, there is so much less input coming at you. Time out in the world creates a beautiful cocoon of silence that’s also deafening at times. Of course, I now speak enough Japanese to be dangerous, but hardly enough to eavesdrop at a coffeeshop or to understand the out of home poster in the subway. I remember walking out into the streets of New York and feeling so energized by everything coming at me. That just doesn’t happen for me here, as a foreigner.
4. Working Life Transition
When I was working, I would walk into the office at 8:30am on a Monday, dressed up, smiling at people and asking them how their weekend was. I would run meetings with joy. I would start client calls with the energy up. I would find camaraderie with my team, laugh often and be part of something bigger. You know the research that says when a smile flashes across your face dopamine, endorphins and serotonin are released? I miss those feel-good neurotransmitters.
5. The Account Director In Me
Coming into myself on the account side of the agency biz, I learned to match the energy of the situation. It’s part of what made me great at my job, that’s now biting me in the ass. When the environment is calm, I run…calm. I am aware though and try so consciously to slowly add some sparkle. But here, sparkle often gets me shhh’d. In a super polite way of course. It’s not them, it’s me. But I like me. Loud, passionate, sparkly me.
6. The Right Peeps
The expat life isn’t for everyone and as Tokyo inhales and exhales families, I need to know that sometimes as much as I give from my bucket, it might not fill theirs and then when I look back, mine is gonna be empty. Yes, the world is in shambles right now. Yes, everything I mentioned above is true. But hey, Greta is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, the yoga class I took this morning rocked my world (shout out to Carla Herzenberg) and “Panini” by Lil Nas X is a real song and we should celebrate that. The people I spend time with should make my bucket overflow - luckily, I’ve already got a few of those.
So, it’s time to go joy spotting. To encircle myself with people that reflect happiness right back at me. To fill my days with activities that make me smile, even laugh out loud. I realize that even as an extrovert, joy must come from within, so dammit the pressure is on. But at the same time, so is the hunt.